My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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