so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
