My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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