Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
