She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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