On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
