So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
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I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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