mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
