I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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