Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
