if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
