Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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