I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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