I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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