I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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