I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
