if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
