I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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