A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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