dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
