I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
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I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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