I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
