Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
