rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize