my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
