my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
