I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
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I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.