We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
