if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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