i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
