My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
