I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
