y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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