The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
