Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I lost the right to judge tonight
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
