I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
