Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
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Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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