I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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