the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
