Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
