ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
