i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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