Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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