he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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