Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
