if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
