I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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