In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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