I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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