Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
