That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.