i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?