there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
