omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
