I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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