my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
