there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
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Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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